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There are many people out there who are trying to swindle some dollars out of whoever Jane Austen's royalties go to now. These copycats are not at all pathetic.

Out of all of these moochers, the latest and arguably most pathetic is Seth Grahame-Smith, the author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. This "Classic Regency Romance - Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem" stars Elizabeth Bennet as a weapon-wielding zombie-killer who has a "delightful comedy of manners" with Mr. Darcy.

Am I going to have to be the first to say it? One word: No.

This is a funny idea, in the sense that if J.D. in Scrubs said, "Hey guys, what if Pride and Prejudice had... ZOMBIES?" you would probably laugh. However, this is not an idea worth devoting 320 pages of your time to. It's all very well if you didn't like reading Jane Austen in high school, but this isn't even particularly offensive to the original story; it's just page upon page of you supposedly laughing at the contrast between Regency England and zombies.

Seriously, let's all just face it: paying $12.95 for a paperback that will undoubtedly end up unread on your bookshelf is just not worth it. It's like Stephen Colbert running for President: the idea was funny initially, but when you take it too far, the humor slowly seeps away, like zombie blood on the Meryton fields.

Ok, ok... we all know they aren't really reality, but close enough. It's not so much how blatantly staged they are that bothers me, it's the way the premise of each show makes literally no sence.

For the sake of this blog I'll focus on From G's to Gents, the Girls of Hedsor Hall, and Tool Academy. These three have one thing in common: the contestants compete to be more socially acceptable human beings.



Let's start with G's to Gents. This show is my golden child. I watch it every week online for the sheer absurdity of the contestants. Supposedly they're all "G's" (gangstas for those of you are who are g-tarded like I am) and say things like "that's real, family" and "I'm going to BODY YOU" and (brace yourself) "he defaced MAH FACE!" Truthfully, it would be a stretch to call half of them OG considering some boasted owning a house, a Hummer, and holding respectable jobs. The one thing they have in common is a clearly forced use of (what I assume to be) gangsta slang and ebonics.



Hedsor Hall is pretty much the same thing except the contestants are all stupid, ugly sluts and two stick-up-their-ass British women are teaching them how to be ladies. Do you really need to go to school to know not to post yourself masturbating online or get arrested for drunken behavior? I think not. This show is less interesting because they are clearly all putting on a show and cannot possibly be that socially-retarded.

Worst yet is Tool Academy where tools learn to be good boyfriends (set up by their loser girlfriends). They are all ugly and therefore uninteresting.

Now to the point... these shows don't make sense to me. In these improve-yourself competitions who is supposed to win? The one who made the biggest improvement? The one who is the best at what they are have supposed to become (gentleman, lady, boyfriend, etc...)? So clearly this show is unfair. Some people enter the show at rock bottom and some are much closer at achieving the goal. We all know that the one who gets the award is always the one who made the greatest transformation, even if he may not be #1 in the competition.

The real reason this pisses me off is that you can tell they're just keeping obnoxious trainwrecks on the show (like Fahim from G's to Gents) regardless of the fact that they haven't made a single improvement.

MTV and VH1... I'm not angry. I'm disappointed.

Now, I don't want to be too much of a hypocrite here. I am a girl, so yes, I shop at Victoria's Secret. It's pretty good quality underwear, and that's fine. However, recently it has started becoming something larger than itself, and that can never be a good thing.

Girls walking around carrying VS bags like they're purses: why? I don't need to know that you just bought underwear, and for the love of God, if you're that strapped for cash just carry your textbooks in your arms.

I'm also not into all this merchandise they've started bringing out. Nobody needs a Victoria's Secret notebook and pen. I don't particularly want sunglasses advertising where I shop for bras, either. Victoria's Secret candy? Really? It's a place to get your unmentionables, not a fun-fair.

The bottom of the sinking tar bit that Victoria's Secret merchandising is becoming, though, is all the coupons. "Better get this now; this coupon only lasts till tomorrow!" False. Those coupons are ALWAYS available and ALWAYS useless. And anyway, nobody actually wants the ugly brown panties made out of straw that they'll give you for free.

Am I confused about what makes a guy attractive? Are women supposed to be attracted to gay midgets? Let me explain...



We can all agree the Wentz looks like an utter asshole. Women know this key styling tip - dress to your body (aka wear flattering clothing). Guys need to learn an important thing. High-tops (paired with de-masculating tight pants) make you look TERRIBLE. Wentz looks like Lieutenant Dan (with shoes on his... stumps).

I think high-tops can work for a guy under certain circumstances. Circumstance #1 = they are basketball shoes and he shoots at least 80% from the line (otherwise he's just an obnoxious poser). Circumstance #2 = they are actually Tims and he is a construction worker (in which case style can't exactly put him in the marriage-material-category anyways). Circumstance #3 = he is freakishly tall thus won't undergo the midget-effect (shown above) and they aren't gaudy enough to make him look like he might be a catcher...

It really eats me up inside that all the hipster shits just drive their Hybrid car to Urban Outfitters to purchase these.

What could possibly make them think this is attractive (or heterosexual)?

The Sword of Truth. The Seeker. The Magic Box. The Confessor (no this show does not feature a roaming, ass-kicking Catholic priest. Unfortunately. That might have made things more interesting). These are all the incredibly generic names for important items and people in the show. The writers couldn't think of interesting names, and they couldn't think of interesting plots.

Actually, as a fun fact, this is based on the equally craptastic Terry Goodkind novels entitled The Sword of Truth. The writers changed the name of the show because they wanted to be able to expand on the material (ie, change it to make it more interesting). I think I speak for most people when I say: WHY DIDN'T YOU?!

Basically, if you haven't seen it, the show revolves around The Seeker, who carries The Sword of Truth, and wears a very open shirt. He has a thing going on with The Confessor, who wears a very long, flowy white dress and yet somehow manages to be an expert fighter and doesn't trip on it. This thing with The Confessor is completely uninteresting because they both like each other and travel together. The end. No drama. There's also a very old guy who plays the role of Gandalf and gives everyone extremely obvious advice. He's generally boring but worth it for the one giant shining moment wherein it is revealed in one fell, miraculously still uninteresting swoop, that basically everyone on the show is related to each other and gramps-alf is being toted along because he is, in fact, The Seeker's grandfather. And nobody questions any of this. Not even a, "Wait, you're mommy dearest?"

The worst thing about this show is that unlike similar classics like Hercules and Xena, there is no subtle, self-effacing humor. No, this show takes itself entirely seriously. And nobody is going to be able to nod their head and suspend belief for 45 minutes of this crap without wanting to laugh at it.

The best thing about this show is that (not to give out spoilers, but honestly, who cares? If you watch this show, you shouldn't) there is no real conflict. The characters actually assemble the power that the bad guy is after, and start to use it for themselves and then... give it up because it corrupts the hero too much. Um, how about you let him kill the bad guy and THEN take away his toys? Apparently this 21st-centry logic is far beyond The Seeker & co.

I assume that this show was meant to appeal to everyone, not just cape-clad D&D fans. FYI: it does not. Yet somehow this crap is popular, because it's coming back for a second season. TV watchers everywhere, I must ask you - For the love of God, WHY?

Though it isn't entirely specified in Genesis, God was obviously referring to Apple Products. Since the dawn of this phenomenon in 1976, Steve 1 and Steve 2 (and that third guy nobody really cares about anyway) have been ruining our lives.

It really started with the colored laptop. "Oh neat! I can look like a complete tool and pay extra!!" But then Apple one-upped themselves... with the iPod.

Before I continue, I must touch upon the iAdvertising... iPod, iPhone, iTouch...

iGotScrewedOutOfMyMoney is more like it.

My first iPod came free with my laptop in 2005 and only broke about 10 times that year. The reason for this product reliability is that the iPod is complete garbage and is only useful because of its seamless use with iTunes (yet another Apple evil forced on us these days). As if that wasn't bad enough, we now have to deal with these ads telling us how superior Macs are over PCs from some skinny douchebag who probably hasn't been laid in his lifetime by non-Mac cultists (aka other douchebags).

You probably think I'm being hypocritical at this point, since I have had 2 iPods and two laptops from Apple. I'm not. I can tell you that... Oh wait, I don't have to defend myself. Why? Because I haven't fallen prey to the newest evil: the iPhone.

The iPhone is basically the cellular motherland of a typical MPD (Mac Product Douchebag). It boasts things like internet, music, pictures, camera, games, gps... and even a phone! What really kills me when people go on about these aforementioned features is that I've had all of these on even the shittiest camera phone. In 2000 I was messaging people through AIM on my phone. But MPDs proudly flaunt their common technology, walking around with their iPhone out to command status, buying designer skins as a stamp of idiocy, and offering to Google every subject that enters the conversation.

How do we know that the iPhone is the best phone on the market? Apple tells us it is! They brainwash yuppies into thinking that without the iPhone you can't possibly hold clout in the yuppie community. God forbid you're not invited to the next black-tie luncheon. Thankfully we can use the rating system on apple.com to really understand what we're buying...



Think twice before you sell out.